love notes 17: changing my writer identity
a stream of consciousness on writing a new genre, what i read this week and other recommendations
This week I’ve been obsessed with: peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, morning walks, snuggling up under blankets, home renovations, afternoon reading time, booktube, creating boards on pinterest, hot black coffee and catching up on tasks.
When I first started writing I was obsessed with vampire and werewolf fiction.
I’m from the generation that lived and breathed Twilight — I had feverishly reread the books multiple times and had posters of Jacob behind my bedroom door. The first stories I wrote were obvious knock-offs, but I was convinced I was going to be the next Stephanie Meyer, and later as I read The Mortal Instruments, the next Cassandra Clare. Paranormal romance and urban fantasies were my first true loves.
But as I grew as a reader, I also grew as a writer.
I soon ventured out and devoured every fantasy book I could get my hands on — my tastes exploding to consume upper fantasy stories like Lord of the Rings and more grounded contemporary fantasies like The Raven Cycle. I fell in love with young adult fantasy authors the most, specifically Sarah J. Maas, Holly Black, V. E. Schwab, Leigh Bardugo, Amanda Foody, Margaret Rogerson and Jay Kristoff. And every single one of them inspired me to keep working on fantasy stories.
I’ve written stories full of magic for so long now that I can’t remember ever wanting to write about anything else. I’m not going to lie, the thought had crossed my mind to experiment with other genres, perhaps even try my hand at a romance. But the idea of writing about real life felt oddly terrifying. Probably because the fantasy genre became my escape. I loved being able to create something entirely from nothing — a world that was so unlike our own that my real life just melted away like snow.
I found solace in magic.
And I think because of that I always felt like my writing and publishing dreams were only ever going to be realised through a fantasy book. In the past 10 years all I have written are fantasy stories with complicated heroines, deep rivals to lovers romances, an abundance of found families and magic that devours the mind, body and soul. “The next Maggie Stiefvater, the next Leigh Bardugo, the next V. E. Schwab.” That’s what I was going to become. Not once did I ever think I would stray away from that path.
But here I am.
Yep, I’m just about to embark on writing my first ever contemporary fiction novel. Or literary fiction. I’m not really sure. I’m still in the brainstorming and plotting phase, learning what my story is actually about — but it won’t be long until I let my fingers dance across the keyboard and let the story flow out of me.
And I know, when I let myself think about it, that this desire has been stirred because who I am as a reader has changed.
I’m no longer just reading fantasy books. I read so much more broadly now, devouring every book that comes my way with that same feverishly frenzy. I love literary fiction and I love contemporary fiction. I love thrillers and mysteries. I love romance and horror and historical fiction. I love poetry and non-fiction. I love daring heroines who save the world and women who are messy, total mirrors of myself, just trying to survive in it. My mind has been opened up to so many stories I’d denied myself for so long. And now my imagination is putting together stories inside of genres I never thought I was ever capable of writing.
I guess I questioned my capabilities because I thought I didn’t have the lived experience to write a contemporary or literary book. It was like whenever an idea would suddenly pop! into my head it felt immature or too juvenile because I was a teenager or an early twenty-something that was only ever randomly guessing at what ‘living life’ meant. I was very isolated in that sense. I only went to school and to my retail job, I only had a small group of friends. But nothing ever really happened to me.
But now that I’m literally days away from turning thirty, I finally feel like I have something to say. I’ve experienced love and heartbreak, motherhood and self-discovery, sickness and pain, happiness and struggle. The highs and lows of life have both kissed my brow and slapped me in the face. I’m not saying I know everything — I certainly don’t — but I know something.
And I want to share that through my stories.
I feel like my identity as a writer has been wrapped up in being a “fantasy writer”. Or perhaps just being a fantasy writer had become my entire identity as a human being. I’m not really sure anymore. But as dramatic as I know this is to say, it’s scary to embark on something different, something outside of my norm. I’m afraid. Is that stupid? It’s just that the endless world of contemporary fiction and literary fiction is nowhere near my comfort zone. My stomach feels twisted, my throat is dry. My head is booming. I feel like I don’t have the safety net of a parachute and I’m just here free falling. Lost and disorientated.
Yet every time I open up this new writing project, I get this strange little thrill.
And that little thrill is so familiar. A lightening bolt. It’s the feeling that stirs inside of me when I know that what I’m writing is actually worth my time and effort. I feel myself coming to life as I think about these characters who have become real human beings, sacred companions, in my mind. When I’m driving or showering or washing the dishes, I play out scenarios of them in my head — bringing to life scenes that I know have a special place in this book that is slowly coming together.
So even though this pivot, this drastic change in direction, feels so so so scary, it also feels exciting.
Now who knows, this book might not even work out. I might go back to writing fantasy books and leaving my love of contemporary and literary fiction as something I do as a reader and not as a writer. Maybe I’m looking too closely at how my writing has evolved alongside my reading and I’m just lusting after something I’m not ever supposed to do. But I don’t want to sit around and wonder “what if?”. I feel like as I barrel into my thirties I want to take every opportunity that comes to me and learn to listen to my intuition more. I want to keep trying new things. I want to be creative. I want to constantly challenge myself as a reader and as a writer.
But I’m left wondering what my writing identity is if I’m no longer a “fantasy writer” then. Don’t I have to call myself something? Isn’t that a good marketing strategy or whatever? Do I call myself a “literary fiction writer” now? A “contemporary fiction writer”?
It’s all so confusing. And to be honest, it’s becoming more and more uncomfortable to pigeonhole myself into one specific thing. Not just as a writer, but also as a human being. The older I get and the more I’m learning to embrace all the different sides of myself, I don’t want to feel caged or claustrophobic. I don’t ever want to be just a ‘fantasy writer’ or just a ‘contemporary fiction writer’ and not have the ability to explore all the other facets within me.
So perhaps, for now, I’ll just drop the idea of all these labels and simply think of myself as a “writer”. A writer who honours her creative feelings and writes what lights up her soul.
Before, I wrote fantasy. Today, I write contemporary. And tomorrow — well, tomorrow the possibilities are endless.
part i: what i read this week
I finished reading One Day We’re All Going to Die by Elise Esther Hearst, and I thought it was okay, but perhaps just not for me. If you want to read more Australian authors this might interest you though.
Today I started Beach Read by Emily Henry, and so far I’m loving it. I’m not really surprised though, all of her books and couples are so incredibly addictive. I’m 125 pages in and I’m already a diehard fan of January and Gus. I’ve been trying to savour my Emily Henry books because after this one I only have one that I haven’t read yet. Does anyone else do this with their favourite authors?
And finally I have some article recommendations that I found particularly interesting and inspiring this week — all of which are on Substack:
The Rise of Celebrity Book Clubs and the Fall of Original Thought by
Things You Can Do This Weekend Instead of Being on Your Phone by
My 7 Year Old Daughter Influenced Me to Finally Read Kafka by
I’m Writing A Book and It’s Been Terrifying (Highly Recommend) by
part ii: what i wrote this week
Like I said before, I’ve been deep in the brainstorming and plotting phase of writing this new contemporary/literary fiction. I’m not really sure where it fits yet, but it’s fun to explore.
However, there has been a lot of second-guessing myself because this has been such a different experience than working on a fantasy book. Although this has also made me more intentional as a writer lately. I’m not just throwing ideas around and hoping they land somewhere. I’ve been intimately focusing on my characters, questioning what they would do in these situations, and letting them take me on the character-driven story they wish to tell.
I’m also hoping I’ll be able to work on this story more in the upcoming weeks. I only get time at night to write and work on it — but I’ve been struggling a lot with eye strain and have just found out I’m long-sighted. I’m just waiting for my glasses to finally arrive, so hopefully that helps!
part iii: what i watched this week
I’m back to feeling confused over what to watch since I finished “The Bear”. I’ve been jumping aimlessly around shows — even doing some rewatches — trying to find something that captures my attention.
However, my husband and I are trying to get back into watching “What We Do In The Shadows”, a hilarious comedy about a group of vampire roommates in New York. It’s very similar in style to The Office, but surprisingly funnier in my opinion. We stopped watching a few months ago because some of our favourite shows had new seasons, but we’re finally up to season three.
I have continued watching a couple episodes of “Virgin River” season five though. The romance in this show is absolutely everything and I probably squeal over something in every episode. I’m only halfway through the season, but it’s so good!
I also discovered a new booktuber that I’ve been obsessively watching as I make breakfast: What Rae Reads. I really enjoyed watching this video with book recommendations for female rage and sad girl literature as I want to explore both of these deeper. And I also loved her other video on how to become a literary fiction girl with 10 book recommendations, which is definitely something I’d recommend to anyone looking for somewhere to start in the genre.
And that was this week! Thank you for reading this long stream of consciousness about my writing and my ever-evolving identity as a writer.
Next week I’m turning 30 — so bring on all the chocolate cake and reading time, please. I’m hoping to keep the whole week pretty relaxed because not long after my birthday, it’s my daughter’s second birthday. And things will get pretty busy.
In the meantime, let me know in the comments how you’ve evolved as a writer and whether you think what you’re reading impacts your writing. Do you write the same genre you always have? Are you challenging yourself with something new? I’d really love to know!
Until next time,
- Madeline